Feb 1 2024
(Part 2) How to find identity outside fostering
In part 2 of our “Identity outside of fostering” series, we cover traps to avoid and how our self-perception shapes how we communicate. IntroductionToday, we’re getting into some deeper things concerning identity, and we want to shed some light on the traps or dangers of how we see ourselves to help all of us make better decisions in our lives and especially in our marriages. We’re approaching this from the perspective of a stay at home parent. However, if you’re not a stay at home parent and still struggling with this, take the content and apply it to you.Traps that trip us up:Comparing yourself to your spouseLeads to jealousy, bitterness or resentmentThat leads to conflict in your marriageComparing yourself to your former life before marriage or kidsLeads to depression, anger, shame, feelings of unworthinessThat leads marriage issues because your spouse doesn’t like the “new” you, or you feel like they couldn’t possiblyVictim mentality can happen where you even blame your spouse for life todayIf one spouse pressures the other to be more, do more, achieve moreLeads to one person feeling like a failure or not good enough especially for their spouseCaring a lot about your spouse’s opinion to the point you allow it to shape your self-perceptionCulture/societal expectations that are real or perceived that leave you feeling insignificant or unworthyControlling people or a controlling spouse whom you lack healthy boundaries with leaving you feeling:Guilted or like a disappointment or a failureLeads to major people pleasing because you feel that will make them happy and then they’ll like you, or to avoid assumed conflict or maybe they’ll eventually be nicer to you if you please themThis doesn’t work and just reinforces unworthiness and a poor self-imageHow your spouse’s opinion/care/support affect a spouse’s identity in good waysSupportive and caring of youAccepting of who you areEncouraging to grow and improve but not in a controlling wayEncouraging of you as a parent and the important work you’re doingEncouraging breaks and replenishment timeIdentity and communicationIn an argument, people sometimes communicate from a place of defending who they see themselves as or who we want someone else to see us asFor example, in an argument or fight, we say things like “I’m just trying to get you to see (insert positive thing about yourself or your intent)The goal is to be heard or understood because you’re feeling not understood which leaves a person feeling sad, alone or worse, rejectedAnother thing people do is they subtly or not so subtly share things that are meant to make us look good to someone elseAgain, this is another one of those finding worth and significance in people’s opinions of us and how it makes us feel better about ourselvesThe question is why don’t we feel fine about ourselves without people’s opinion or affirmationHow we see ourselves is so powerful and so much of our thinking, decisions and emotions hinges on self-perception. Finding freedom in self-forgetfulnessThe pursuit of selflessness and less selfishnessShedding of ego and pride allows a married couple to be serving, generous and sacrificial to each otherContentment and health can be found in neither holding an identity of good or bad, significant or insignificant, but in not focusing on self so much period and focusing on othersThis can be monumentally challenging for some of usStory about us adopting and how I (Joel) felt my selfishness come to the surface and it said “don’t do it.”We have to practice not focusing on...