Fostering Marriage

Joel & MaryBeth Fortner

When you’re on the foster and adoption journey, marriage can get super challenging. This show is meant to help you rebuild or strengthen your marriage so you can be the parents your foster or adopted children need you to be. read less
Kids & FamilyKids & Family

Episodes

Navigating grief together with Dr. Melody Aguayo
Mar 1 2024
Navigating grief together with Dr. Melody Aguayo
In this month's episode, we’re discussing how to recognize and navigate grief together in marriage because grief is such a big part of the fostering and even adoption journey. We have a very special guest with us, Dr. Melody Aguayo! Dr. Melody is a parenting coach with a huge heart for families and children. With many years under her belt, Melody's seen it all: from high-risk kids needing a guiding hand, to those neurotypical dynamos that keep parents on their toes. She's all about swapping out those stressful control battles for a home filled with joy and peace.Melody's not your average coach. She digs deep into understanding what makes parents tick (and occasionally ticked off!). She has her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from East Tennessee State University and a Ph.D. in Psychology from Capella University. Plus, she's a certified TBRI Practitioner and Circle of Security Parent Trainer. But here's the thing –  she says it’s her own journey as a parent that has been her greatest teacher. She’s a wife and mother of two adopted children and our parenting coach. Dr. Melody shares about: How grief commonly manifests in couples who are involved in fosteringHow couples can effectively communicate their grief to each other without feeling overwhelmedHow to recognize signs of grief in each otherWhat to do when you're grieving and how to deal with it betterWhen to seeking professional help for griefHow to support each other through the grieving processHow to keep from burning outHow to build resilience for long-term coping with griefAnd lastly, Dr. Melody dishes on who loads the dishwasher better between her and her husband? :) If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, please feel free to reach out to us at fosteringmarriage.com.
(Part 2) How to find identity outside fostering
Feb 1 2024
(Part 2) How to find identity outside fostering
In part 2 of our “Identity outside of fostering” series, we cover traps to avoid and how our self-perception shapes how we communicate. IntroductionToday, we’re getting into some deeper things concerning identity, and we want to shed some light on the traps or dangers of how we see ourselves to help all of us make better decisions in our lives and especially in our marriages. We’re approaching this from the perspective of a stay at home parent. However, if you’re not a stay at home parent and still struggling with this, take the content and apply it to you.Traps that trip us up:Comparing yourself to your spouseLeads to jealousy, bitterness or resentmentThat leads to conflict in your marriageComparing yourself to your former life before marriage or kidsLeads to depression, anger, shame, feelings of unworthinessThat leads marriage issues because your spouse doesn’t like the “new” you, or you feel like they couldn’t possiblyVictim mentality can happen where you even blame your spouse for life todayIf one spouse pressures the other to be more, do more, achieve moreLeads to one person feeling like a failure or not good enough especially for their spouseCaring a lot about your spouse’s opinion to the point you allow it to shape your self-perceptionCulture/societal expectations that are real or perceived that leave you feeling insignificant or unworthyControlling people or a controlling spouse whom you lack healthy boundaries with leaving you feeling:Guilted or like a disappointment or a failureLeads to major people pleasing because you feel that will make them happy and then they’ll like you, or to avoid assumed conflict or maybe they’ll eventually be nicer to you if you please themThis doesn’t work and just reinforces unworthiness and a poor self-imageHow your spouse’s opinion/care/support affect a spouse’s identity in good waysSupportive and caring of youAccepting of who you areEncouraging to grow and improve but not in a controlling wayEncouraging of you as a parent and the important work you’re doingEncouraging breaks and replenishment timeIdentity and communicationIn an argument, people sometimes communicate from a place of defending who they see themselves as or who we want someone else to see us asFor example, in an argument or fight, we say things like “I’m just trying to get you to see (insert positive thing about yourself or your intent)The goal is to be heard or understood because you’re feeling not understood which leaves a person feeling sad, alone or worse, rejectedAnother thing people do is they subtly or not so subtly share things that are meant to make us look good to someone elseAgain, this is another one of those finding worth and significance in people’s opinions of us and how it makes us feel better about ourselvesThe question is why don’t we feel fine about ourselves without people’s opinion or affirmationHow we see ourselves is so powerful and so much of our thinking, decisions and emotions hinges on self-perception. Finding freedom in self-forgetfulnessThe pursuit of selflessness and less selfishnessShedding of ego and pride allows a married couple to be serving, generous and sacrificial to each otherContentment and health can be found in neither holding an identity of good or bad, significant or insignificant, but in not focusing on self so much period and focusing on othersThis can be monumentally challenging for some of usStory about us adopting and how I (Joel) felt my selfishness come to the surface and it said “don’t do it.”We have to practice not focusing on...
How to find identity outside fostering
Jan 1 2024
How to find identity outside fostering
In this episode, we’re talking about finding an identity outside of being a foster parent. What is identityIdentity is who you see yourself asMany people aren’t happy with who they see themselves as feel not good enough, not important/significant and can say things like “I’m just a mom or  __________”Joel interviews MaryBeth (the main parent in our family)How did not financially contributing anymore impact you?Tell me about guilt over not contributing “equally”?How can a mom who has gifts, talents and an education and she’s not using them feel?How did you get to a place of thinking this is where you belong?How much did friendships help?How much did the kids getting older make a difference?How important is finding a new way to use your gifts and talents help?How often do you think a mom/parent doesn’t treat themselves as equally important in the family and why is it so important for them to see themselves as equally important? How can a mother reframe “motherhood” that helps them in the “small or mundane things” of being a mom? What have been some of the most impactful books that helped you as a momHow does this recipe help with a person’s identity in a good way? Or is it not really an identity thing after allConclusionNext month we will be going deeper into identity and self perception, looking at how it shows up and affects you and your marriage.If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.
Recognizing and working through stress-triggered responses
Dec 1 2023
Recognizing and working through stress-triggered responses
In this episode, we’re talking about recognizing and working through bad responses to each other as a result of stress and things that trigger you.Stressors of fostering: The stressors that the main load bearer can have (episode 13)Bulk of tasks (paperwork to organizing now chaotic schedules) to parenting (often a child - or children with trauma)Stressors that the non-load bearer can have. There’s still a load they’re carrying including emotional, parenting challenges of their own, worry about the load bearer, or guilt or feeling responsible for the emotional well-being of the load bearer or even shame of not knowing what to do to help situationsTriggers Our Root SystemBrief mention of personality styles and how they come into play - listen to those episodes (episodes 5 & 6)Bad Responses:Highlight certain responses: angry, defensive, frustrated, etc.Recognize you’re triggeredImportance of beginning to self-manageIf you need to pause the conversation, pause it so you can regroupThere’s no value in contributing to conflictQuestions to ask yourself What is bothering me/ What is the real problem? Why is that bothering me/ a problem? What is it I want them to hear from me?Do I just want to be heard? Do I want something to change? Am I making assumptions? Did I assume bad intent in my spouse? I’m being judgedAm I assuming their expectations?(me and assuming that Joel wanted the house clean) (ask the question.)Am I believing any lies? How to re-start communication When communication goes bad, we need to communicate about communication, not the topic anymoreSoften toneEach person share how they contributed to conflict, what they’re responsible for, what they were struggling with in the conversation (without attacking/accusing) and apologize for stuffAnd then pick up the topic againPractice better communication from what you just learnedAsk questions of each otherIf/ when you’re triggered by what your spouse is saying, go back to pausing or softening your tone, asking yourself why you’re triggered, etc. Finish telling the Joel late storyConclusionPersonal growth and self-awareness takes time and practice and it’s essential to your marriage and parenting.If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.
Splitting the mental load of fostering
Oct 1 2023
Splitting the mental load of fostering
We're talking about splitting the mental load of being a foster parent, challenges and how to support each other. Taking care of your mental and emotional health is so important when you’re pouring out a lot as a parent and facing different challenges and stressful situations day in and day out and you can quickly become like an engine running without oil. Part of keeping your marriage first is helping each other mentally and emotionallyIn a marriage we often fall into our roles of who does what. Many times, one person takes the lead on the kids and/ or the fostering relationships - whether with DCS or the biological family as well as taking the lead on the fostering tasks - visits, therapies, communications, paperwork, documenting things, etc. Plus just the decision fatigue.It's important for the spouse who doesn't take on as much to recognize how draining this can be and have empathy. It's also important to remember you experience, process on and think about things differently.Here are keys to practice, as the spouse who shoulders more load:Communicate how you’re doingAsk for help including breaks (30 minutes to a weekend)Learning to accept helpImportance of date nights/get-aways/respiteGet help/coachingBring up what tasks can come off your plateExpectation management (it won’t look like life before)Day to day life/routineHow much you can really get doneFlex your picture of your life/lifestyle/home/routinesHere are keys to practice, as the spouse who doesn't shoulder as much:Pay attention to your spouse and how they’re doingEmpathize and listenCheck in to see your spouse is doing from time to timeDon’t minimize your spouse’s experiences and feelingsAsk what you can take away from and be specific about itRemember the big picture of keeping your marriage healthy (i.e. be careful of selfishness, wanting your routines/day-to-day to stay the same, etc.)Keeping the big picture of a healthy marriage is so important so continue to openly communicate with each other to navigate the day to day, week to week challenges. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.
(Part 2) Setting boundaries with family, friends
Sep 1 2023
(Part 2) Setting boundaries with family, friends
Today we’re picking up our series on setting healthy boundaries with family and friends. Setting boundaries can be one of the hardest things for people to do but one of the most important.The difference between walls, boundaries and healthy boundariesWhy are healthy boundaries so important?Because your marriage is team #1Protecting your mental, physical, and emotional well-being by protecting against unhealthy or toxic opinions, behaviors, speechCauses conflict and unhealth in youWorst of all, causes bad health in your home, including your kidsCreate disunity between the two of youSigns of healthy boundariesYou protect yourself from being taken advantage ofYou have margin in your life and don’t overcommit yourselfYou have respectful communication with othersYou have strong self-worthYou have close, trusting relationshipsYou only take responsibility for what you should You can say “no” when neededYou can set limits for others and not feel guiltyYou have a strong sense of identity and know who you areYou understand you can’t heal other people or change them for that matterYou clearly communicate your needs and wantsSigns of potential unhealthy boundariesAllow yourself to be usedOver-commit your time or to other peopleLow self-worth and critical of yourselfFeel exhausted and burnt out regularlyHave a hard time saying “no”Feel guilty for trying to set boundariesChange yourself to fit in with othersOwn other people’s problems as your ownYou constantly put other people’s needs before your ownWhen your spouse won’t set a boundary with someone they shouldExpress what you’re experiencing from the person you think a boundary should be set withExpress what you’re experiencing in your spouse“It seems like you don’t want to address it or don’t see the problem, etc.”Express how you see it negatively impacting them/you/your marriage/your familyAsk questions like:What do you think about what I’m sharing?What do you think we should do? What’s your view point?How do we get resolution together? Ultimately, if they won’t set it or you can’t get on the same page… You may need to set it You may seek counseling to better work through these thingsYou may need to distance yourself from the person you need to set a boundary withYou need to continue to talk through this stuff togetherWhat not to do when your spouse isn’t setting a healthy boundaryAttack or accuseBelittleBe passive aggressiveGuilt trip or shame themHow to set healthy boundaries1. Think through and clarify your boundary or limitAsk yourself these questions:What’s making me uncomfortable? Why does that make me uncomfortable/uneasy?Am I over-reacting? (i.e Am I the problem for myself?”What do I want to see change?2. Prepare to communicate your boundaryAnticipate responses based on what you know about the personDon’t try to plan for every single contingency with a prepared rebuttalPrepare your introduction to help your boundary be received wellThe best prepared intro may not matter depending on the other person and what they struggle withThe first few seconds of a potentially hard conversation can set the tone for the rest of itRemember, some people will always respond poorly to healthy boundaries and that’s not your fault so have a healthy boundary and don’t receive itIf it’s a controlling person,...
Setting boundaries with family, friends
Aug 1 2023
Setting boundaries with family, friends
In part 1 of our series on setting healthy boundaries, we’re talking about (cue dramatic music) setting healthy boundaries with family and friends. This can be one of the hardest things for people to do but one of the most important.We cover:The difference between walls, boundaries and healthy boundariesWhy boundaries are so important to your marriageProtecting your mental, physical, and emotional well-being by protecting against unhealthy or toxic opinions, behaviors, speechHow a lack of boundaries causes conflict and unhealth in youWorst of all, how a lack of boundaries causes bad health in your home, including your kids and creates disunity between the two of youCommon times when healthy boundaries CAN be set:Emotional energyTimePersonal spaceMorals and ethicsMaterial possessions and financesSocial media Common times where healthy boundaries NEED to be set:When someone is setting your reality in a controlling way (this CAN be well intended.)Friend or family member tells you you shouldn't foster for whatever reasons.When you're fostering - you get all the opinions on how you should be thinking or making decisions in a controlling way - not in an advisory wayWhen communication or advice isn’t wantedEven when the person is totally well-meaningYou may be stressed, overwhelmed or whatever and others’ opinions/advice isn’t well-timed or helpful right nowWhen someone else’s behavior crosses boundariesThey do something you’ve requested they not do or vice versa, they refuse to do something you’ve requested and intentionally not doing itCommon mistakes people make instead of setting a healthy boundary:Feeling the need to defend or protectLashing outAllowing their reality to be setWhat holds people back from setting them…period:People without boundaries can be easily persuaded into things they don’t want to do because they may be acting out of guilt or obligation rather than what’s best for them or their familyCommon ways people hold themselves back from setting them:Thinking setting boundaries is mean or wrong or hurtfulFearPeople pleasingGuilt after setting them before so they won’t do it againFear of making someone upset or angryIt’s stressfulIt feels disloyalAssuming people should “just know”Not knowing what to say to set the boundaryThey don’t think it’s their responsibilityFor example, you have an issue with your in-law but your spouse won’t set entertain setting a boundary with their parentLearning and practicing setting healthy boundaries is okay and a critically important skill for your personal well-being and your fostering marriage. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage. Join us next month for part 2 of this series on healthy boundaries when we dive into signs of having healthy boundaries, signs of not having them, how to handle it when one of you won’t set a boundary and finally, how to set healthy boundaries.
(Part 2) Developing a fostering mindset
Jul 1 2023
(Part 2) Developing a fostering mindset
We pick up where we left off last month on developing a mindset that will best serve you in your marriage and when you’re fostering.Understanding how we think is vitally important because our behavior, decisions, reactions and emotions all come from itNow let’s get back into some key mindset and character traits that have served us well. 1. Kindness (or jocund :))Definition - the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.What holds us back?DefensivenessFeeling out of control / anger / impatienceVictim mentalitySelfishnessAnticipating being attacked or actually being attackedSelf-protection Having to be rightShutting downAssuming how they’re going to respond and having a pre-emptive strikeFeeling justified on responding unkindly because of your child’s  / or bio-parents behaviorWhat it looks like in practiceBio parent lashing out- how do you choose to respond? Foster kid lashing out - instead of going with initial desired response - responding with kindnessSelf-management of poor thinking/feelings/responses to kindnessRemembering that you can’t control someone’s actions but you can control your own2. SelflessnessDefinition - concern more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own.What holds us back?SelfishnessSelf-protection = self-focus = selfishnessWhat it looks like in practiceFocusing on others’ needs over your ownSacrificing and doing what’s hard for the benefit of othersPutting yourself in harm’s wayBenefits of this kind of mindset:Spiritual growth and growing closer to GodObedience to God and blessings that come from obedienceDeveloping resilienceWhat James in the bible says about counting suffering as joyLess selfish as a person and a better servant to othersSeeing your bio-children learn and grow in these waysSeeing your foster kids begin to heal or feel loved and safeJoy in living out your faith and overcoming and getting through hard things especially when they work out wellBeing proud of yourself (not prideful from a place of insecurity and boasting) and being proud of your spouse and kidsWhat does it look like when you or your spouse is struggling with one or more of these? How do you work together to be on the same page?Reference episode 4 on parenting from the same pageYour best decisions come from your best thinking and the more you practice, the more blessings that you and your family will experience.If you enjoyed this series on diving into mindset development, a compliment is the two-part series on understanding personality styles - episodes 5 and 6. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering marriages find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.
Developing a fostering mindset, part 1
Jun 1 2023
Developing a fostering mindset, part 1
When you’re doing hard things like fostering, developing a healthy mindset is everything.We’re talking about developing a mindset that will best serve you in your marriage and when you’re fostering.Understanding how we think is vitally important because our behavior, decisions, reactions and emotions all come from itPersonality styles play a huge part in our mindset and our characterSome key mindset and character traits that have served us well. Now before we get into these, we’ve failed at every single one of these. These are things to focus on, practice and have as goals. SurrenderDefinition - Process of submitting to someone or a circumstance and being detached from desired outcomesWhat holds us back? Wanting control of people or outcomes/situations/expectationsWhat it looks like in practiceAcknowledging the outcomes/expectations that you desire (especially strongly) and that you don’t have control overThis is a mindset practice not a checking of the box thingAnd it’s some of the hardest things we can face when we know it’s causing pain or problems to your child or familyBut in it, there’s great opportunities to grow into a more surrendered and trusting person of God and practicing relinquishing controlExamples:A. bio parents’ influence or behavior that drags stuff outB. pursuing adoption in a circumstance like COVID delaying thingsC. Not having control over mandates like visits, phone calls, etc. that seem to make things worseD. Where kids go to schoolE. Vaccinations F. A process taking a long long long timeG. Surrendering to hard circumstances such as a child’s behaviorGenerosityDefinition - the quality of being kind and generous.What holds us back?Our own selfishnessTime/ effort/ my own desires/ my picture of what my life is supposed to look likeFearFear of getting attachedFear of the unknownFear of failure/ messing someone up/ messing up own familyDisappointing others (family members) because it’s not what they want for you.ControlFear-based control of outcomes and feeling out of control when you can’tStaying in control of your life/your pictureWhat it looks like in practiceAcknowledging your specific struggles and working/processing through themRealizing these are personal struggles and choosing to not let them hold you backFear hates information. Get more and more information from experts and people who’ve done it so you get smarter about stuff Focusing on the need of children, the impact you’re having and finding joy in your generosity Trust in GodDefinition - believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.What holds us back?ControlFearWeak faithLack of practicing your faith in the context of doing something hardNot knowing God well enoughYour upbringing and experiences with your parents What it looks like in practiceAcknowledging what’s holding back from walking in faith and making a different choiceBeing okay with not seeing what’s in front of usHow many times have we seen God move and we forget?Journal your God moments to build your faithConclusionYour best decisions come from your best thinking and the more you practice, the better decisions you’ll make even in the hardest circumstances. Join us next month for part 2 of Developing a fostering mindset. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering marriages find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering...
When you feel like a fostering failure
May 1 2023
When you feel like a fostering failure
On this episode, we’re talking about when you feel like a failure as a foster parent and how to manage through that. Foster marriages opened their heart and home to helping out children in need, had good intentions, perhaps a lot of expectations of how everything would go, and now reality is setting in and you’re not handling things well at allTypes of situations when foster parents often feel like a failure:Responses to behaviorFeeling a lack of bond and blaming yourselfFeeling like a failure to your bio-kidsFeeling like a failure in your marriage and you don’t have anything left to giveFeeling like they’re failing God or as a ChristianWhat’s happening at a deeper levelImportance of understanding your "Root System"Thinking/Lies and emotions of fear, guilt and shame, and stressWhy personality styles happenThe risks of not managing yourself well:Living in the guilt/shame and stress of it and constantly either feeling out of control or becoming very submissiveBeating yourself up / negative self talkFeeling out of control and reacting to everyone that waySeeking worth in other ways or in very unhealthy waysLots of conflict in your marriage that creates disunityLiving in disappointment with each otherHow to move forward - both immediate and longer term solutionsRecalibrating expectationsOf yourselfOf each otherOf your childTaking thoughts captive (this is a practice that’s long-term though)Discussing struggles with each otherIf that’s uncomfortable, start with little things so you practice becoming more vulnerableResponding well to each otherHolding each other accountable and offering helpSeeking helpMore training/knowledgeBabysitters/respiteCounselingFailure is inevitable. It’s how we respond that is most important. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.
Deciding if you should foster
Apr 3 2023
Deciding if you should foster
Deciding if you should foster is a life-changing decision for everyone involved. We give our best advice on how to communicate about it especially when you’re not on the same page. Communicating about this can be a big struggle for couplesMassive issue and perhaps it comes out of nowhere and catches 1 spouse off guardIt's emotionalIt can trigger someone into fear/self-protection. How the initiator of the conversations can lean in the direction of their spouseWhat does that communication requireHow you can lean in each other's directionRemember the marriage is most important and focus on team unityShare your desire, etc. Don’t hold back on detailGain perspective from your spouseKeep asking questions to understandDon’t bully, over question or pressure especially in the first good conversation about itManage your emotions especially if your spouse remains reluctantDon’t pesterDon’t guiltDon’t manipulateDon’t try to control the outcomeBe graceful and respectful of your spouse’s fears and concernsBe willing to give them time to process because this is a HUGE thingPrayerHow the hesitant spouse lean in the direction of their spouse(We’re not saying you should ultimately foster, we want to give you the tools to have better conversations about it.)Remember the marriage is most important and focus on team unityGain perspective on why and ask other questions you want information onValidate your spouse’s emotions and desires and how important this is to themManage your own emotionsDon’t let fears shut you down from communicatingDon’t shut your spouse downAcknowledge (and this is a super difficult one) selfishnessDon’t just shut down the conversationBe vulnerable and share your concerns and fearsPractice letting your spouse question you on those but this requires massive vulnerability because you may get to root objections that don’t sound good or make you look badPrayerWhat to do if you’re still not on the same pagePrayerKeep the conversation going….even if years go by and is necessaryWe share a personal story about how we navigated deciding to foster....which was NOT to foster. But we ended up doing it anyways.
Better communication by understanding personality styles, part 1
Feb 1 2023
Better communication by understanding personality styles, part 1
On this episode, we’re talking about the importance of understanding personality styles through the lens of DISC. Why this is importantIt’s super important to have better communicationIt’s better for not taking things personallyIt’s important for understanding each otherDISC 101We all send and receive information the way we prefer to send and receive itNatural vs. adaptive stylesWe all have D, I, S, and C but people tend to have 1-2 dominant stylesMaturity vs. immaturityThe goal is to lean in the direction of one another’s personality stylesWhat that looks likeHigh D(D) Dominance, Results Oriented, Driven, CompetitiveWhere they’re gifted:Thinking innovatively, challenges the status quoProblem-solversSelf-startersLeading groups in same directionFunctioning well under heavy workloadsWeaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:Oversteps authorityArgumentativeDoesn't consider opinions of othersTakes on too much thinking it will create fast resultsCommonly misses details that prevent mistakesControls environment through angerHigh I(I) Influencing, Persuasive, Inspiring, EnthusiasticWhere they’re gifted:Enthusiastic and optimisticPersuasive TrustingAccepting of othersIncredible at influencing and motivatingCreative problem-solversWeaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:Can be more concerned with speaking than listeningSays "yes" too much and overpromisesFeels attacked by critiqueNeeds to be accepted Loses focus with too many detailsControls environment through charm
Parenting from the same page
Jan 3 2023
Parenting from the same page
In this episode, we discuss being on the same page with your parenting in your Fostering Marriage.  We cover the importance of same-page parentingHow to be unified instead of creating divisionHow to make sure one spouse doesn’t feel left alone or left behindHow to make better decisions togetherHow to create consistency for the childWhy being a predictable parent is so important for your kidsParenting approachThis begins with your mindsetRemember your marriage is team #1Ask questions to gain perspective to understand view pointsBe flexible to change if an approach isn’t workingExtending grace is paramount especially when you’re new to fostering and related stressorsKeys to practiceDiscussing parenting approaches beforehandDisciplinePraiseWhat if more support is needed once you have a placement?What support systems can you use? (i.e. respite, family, friends, babysitters, etc.)When you're in the thick of it.Understanding one another and their point of view and factoring in and gaining perspective and asking questions to see where they are coming from and why they are suggesting what they areHaving humility/ communicate with loveSeeking out information from other people/resourcesDiscipline/Choices and consequences - Recommended Read - Beyond Consequences, Logic and ControlWhat direction do we want to go? Be willing to change if it’s not working.What about when we’ve talked and we just don’t agree? Can one parent be willing to try the other parent's approach? What are the objections? Have you talked enough and gotten to what the real objections are?
How to make fostering fit your marriage (not the other way around)
Jun 5 2022
How to make fostering fit your marriage (not the other way around)
It’s easy in fostering to lose focus on making your marriage the higher priority. Learn how to change that mindset and keep your marriage priority #1. IntroductionToday we’re talking about making foster parenting fit your marriage, not the other way around. What holds couples back from keeping their marriage the higher priority:We place more importance on fostering than the marriageSeeking worth from fostering and your kids If your beliefs (possibly driven by lies, assumptions, “kids are more important”, etc) then your decision/behaviors will follow those beliefsFostering being possibly the only important thing you have in commonTherefore, it’s what you talk about and focus on constantly2 keys to keeping your marriage the higher priority:Key #1 - Mindset Both people actually believe that the marriage is more importantBeliefs:It’s critical to lead and shepherd your familyIt’s our job to make our kids healthy, strong, and good decision makersOur family will do better when we’re unifiedEvery team needs 1 leader and the more unified you are, it’s as if there’s only 1 leader (but we bring different gifts and talents to the family)Communication is betterGives the kids more consistency and therefore, security and stabilityKey #2 - Healthy accountabilityHealthy accountability is lovingly helping someone succeedIn this case, it’s to succeed in marriage and as parentsDiscuss what holds people back from having healthy accountabilityTaking things personallyPrideDefensivenessFearMaking assumptionsNot asking questionsLosing worth in the discussionFeeling out of controlApproaching your spouse in a loving way to discuss the problemHumility and practicing receiving what your spouse is sayingConclusionTwo BIG keys to make foster parenting fit your marriage, not the other way around.MindsetHealthy accountability
How to keep or create unity
May 23 2022
How to keep or create unity
In a Fostering Marriage, you’re faced with stressors, emotional struggles and hard decisions that can chip away at unity. Learn how to keep or create unity in the midst of challenges. IntroductionIf you listened to Episode 0, welcome back and we’re thrilled you’re here!If you didn’t listen to episode 0, go listen because we share a little about why we’re doing this show and who we areIn this episode, we’re talking about how to keep or create unity in a Fostering MarriageWhy is this so important?What holds couples back from greater unity?Key #1 - Prioritizing connectionCreate the time and space away from the kids to… How couples drift away from prioritizing connection…What happens when we don’t connect as couplesKey #2 - Quality communicationWe’re gonna talk a ton about communication on this show….We're gonna talk a lot about personality styles and communication…The point we want to make today is constantly work on your communication…Slow down and practice patience Pay attention to your tone - being careful of accusations/ controlling in how you speakGain perspective/Ask questionsRemember you’re on the same teamKey #3 - Be generous to each otherWhat does that mean?Giving, sacrificing, not being selfishBeing graceful and understanding of each other’s strugglesBe generous in how you view the other personShut down judgment, bitterness, resentment, victim mentalityServe each otherNot everything has to be compromise…ConclusionThree keys to focus on to keep or create unity are:Prioritize connectionQuality communicationBe generous to each other
What the Fostering Marriage podcast is all about
May 19 2022
What the Fostering Marriage podcast is all about
Welcome to the Fostering Marriage podcast! We hope you’re having a fabulous day where you are!This is your hosts, Joel and MaryBeth Fortner.We’ve been married for over 12 years and for 3 years we’ve been on the fostering and adoption journey. We’re starting this show to specifically help couples who are also on this journey, no matter where they are. One of our top goals for this show is to help couples keep their marriage priority #1 or help couples rebuild their marriage and make it #1 again. Some other goals are:Give couples tools to improve their communicationHelp people overcome what holds them back personallyBetter navigate the stressors and challenges of fostering togetherBe more on the same page, make better decisions together, and become more unifiedWe’ve been blessed to have people and resources in our lives that have...…helped us heal over things in our personal lives, …grow in self awareness, …achieve a great marriage and grow even closer together over the last 3 years of fostering.We’ve learned that many marriages struggle so much due to stressors that come with fostering and couples aren't equipped to protect their marriages. We want to do something about that. This show is a first step. We hope you’re interested in listening and more importantly, learning, growing and putting in the work to improve your Fostering Marriage. Join us on episode 1 where we dive into How To Create and Keep Unity.